My worst fears have been confirmed.

I officially lost the baby.

I called the nurse at 4:30 as instructed only to be told that my hormone levels had dropped dramatically from 140 to 16, which meant that there was no way my pregnancy was viable.

The last couple of days have been a blur as I have felt like crap physically and have been on the verge of falling apart emotionally. I officially hate this week.

After getting off the phone with the nurse, I totally lost it. I was home alone, in bed, bawling hysterically while trying to type some sort of comprehensible words to Brandon to tell him what happened. Thankfully it was close enough to the end of the day that he was able to leave work a few minutes early. He came straight home and held me for a good 40 minutes before we had to get Aspen from daycare. That husband of mine truly is incredible. What a horrible feeling it is to know that my body is literally expelling this baby that we want so badly. Brandon has been telling me since Sunday that it's not my fault - he refuses to let me take it on and he knows me well enough to know that I will inevitably turn the blame on myself. I am so blessed to have his positive voice in my head every day. 

Otherwise, I'm just working on being okay. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to lose my mind and otherwise I feel like I can function like a normal human again. And sometimes (yesterday evening) I wander aimlessly around the store trying to figure out what I actually came for ... even though my list is in my pocket. We hadn't told many people I was pregnant to begin with, but I am really grateful to have people I can reach out to who are being more supportive and loving than I could have even asked for. It's really nice to be taken care of right now. Every single person I have reached out to has immediately come back with loving support and incredible amounts of care. I can't even begin to explain how much I appreciate that.

My heart is heavy. This hurts. It flat out sucks and I won't pretend it doesn't. Sometimes I forget how strong I am until something like this comes around and really knocks me off my feet. Then I remember that even though this is horrific, it is nowhere near the worst thing I have experienced, so I know my heart will heal and I will be able to move forward. I committed a long time ago to not allowing my circumstances to define me and this is one of those moments where I can choose to be belittled by what is happening, or I can take it and do what I can with it. There are so many aspects of my life that push me to fight through this, even though it kills me. I just can't roll over and give up. I can't. 

So yeah ... that's that. I'm healing. Or trying to anyway. I'm still not quite sure how I move on from this. Nor do I really know what to expect in terms of how long it will take to be over physically. So for now I'm just going to take it day by day and feel whatever I feel at the time. After losing my dad last year, I have realized that doing so is the only way I'm actually going to be okay in the long run. And with that, we'll see what happens tomorrow.