... the cramps come back with a vengeance.
I was doing okay today. I got up. I went to work on time. I still drove to work because I'm not quite ready to deal with people on the train yet. But I got to work on time. I showed up. While I didn't call any students until 2:00, I did other work that made me useful and somewhat productive. Ben didn't mind - he understands and just wants me to be okay. And quite frankly, I think he's just glad that I showed up.
Then ... 3:30 ... my stomach is knots. Like, I have to put my head on my desk for a moment because it hurts so bad. I make a call. I barely get through it. I go to the bathroom. I go back to my desk and make another call. Thankfully it was short because I was done for. Packed up my stuff, shut off my computer, wrote Ben a note (because he was on the phone), and left.
Walked out to the car and nearly burst into tears in the middle of the street because I feel the cramps are a giant fuck you from the universe. I hardly had any pain while I was bleeding heavily, and now that the bleeding has slowed down to barely noticeable, there is some other physical ailment reminding me that I lost a baby. That my pregnancy ended. That we are not having a baby in July.
Thanks universe, I almost forgot. Good thing you were there to remind me.
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